That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
