someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
