Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm too high and old for this...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
