Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I believe in your delicious
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
