vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
