I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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