did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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