Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
