If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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