I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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