Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
