Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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