you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
