I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
