Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
