i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
