My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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