If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize