I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
