My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
