dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
