I think im going to throw up on grandma
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
