He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
