If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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