Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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