Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
