right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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