Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
