Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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