Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
