U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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