She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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