hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
