Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
