So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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