I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
