the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
