I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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