If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
