you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
