And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
