i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
