i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
third nipple confirmed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
