Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Floor bacon is actually really good
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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