My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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