Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
