she woke up with a sticky ear
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
tell me about the eggs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
