I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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