you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
