a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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