Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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