I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this will be a night to untag.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Couch. On fire.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
