yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
