Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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