I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
