I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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