Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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